Oh, the Possibilities – My Fertility Journey, Part II

I wish you could have had a front row seat right next to me for this moment:

Our precious nephew, Easton, had just turned one. The cool evening breeze was perfect as we gathered in the driveway with family to celebrate his first birthday. With chairs set for social distancing, we smiled and gawked as Easton sat up on his own, saying “hi” to all of us in the cutest voice you’ve ever heard. We quickly learned he was a born natural at cake smashing. (I like to think he takes after his Auntie for that skill.)

Our nephew, Easton, smashing his first birthday cake at his 1st birthday party covered in blue frosting.

As the sun began to set, Wes scooped Easton up in his arms and sprawled him out like Superman as he zoomed in figure-8’s throughout the driveway. The “airplane engine” rumble from Wes resulted in giggling squeaks from Easton. It filled the gathering space and every inch of our hearts with pure joy. It was beautiful. I looked around and saw everyone smiling while they watched this scene unfold.

When the birthday boy became squirmy seeing toys to play with on the ground, Wes sat down with him in the driveway to participate. Since the “airplane had landed,” everyone resumed their conversations. Shortly after, I walked over towards the boys and sat down with them. Wes kissed Easton on the top of his head and then lifted his gaze up at me softly smiling. I looked at him for a moment as his smile grew and I tilted my head to the side as if to ask what he was thinking without speaking a word. He proceeded to say 3 words with tear-filled eyes that would change my life forever.

“I want one.”

Oh, my heart. I looked around to see if someone had a mop to clean up the puddle that I had melted into right there in the driveway. For a man who asks for very little, I have wanted nothing more than to give him the world since the day we met.

But a baby? Is that even possible? Didn’t he sit with me when we received the news that I had lost 75% of my follicles during chemo making me almost entirely infertile?

Wes and Nicole with Easton at his first birthday party while Easton puts cake on Wes' face

If I’m being honest, I hadn’t allowed myself to even want to have a baby after being diagnosed with cancer. I was fully focused on remaining alive during that time. And with the infertility results we had received 2 years ago, I had come to a place of “acceptance” that this would probably not be part of our future.

For someone who believes in miracles, has lived through one, and speaks on being courageous, this is hard for me to admit, but without fully realizing it, I had spent the last few years building a shield around my heart to protect myself from the hurt of not being able to have a baby. Between the thankfulness I felt for being alive and the probability of having a child being so small, I would find joy in other ways and ignore the now faded cry of my heart that longed to be a mother.

But it appeared in this moment that Wes had found something that I had lost a while ago in this area: hope.

With a loving husband by my side and God’s courage ignited within our souls, we scheduled an appointment at the OBGYN Department at MD Anderson Cancer Center to ask questions and have follow up testing done. With shaking hands and an open heart, we waited for results that had likely remained unchanged.

A couple weeks passed and I received a phone call from the doctor while I was at home.

“Is this Nicole Body.”

“Yes ma’am, this is her.”

“We have some good news for you.”

I froze in my tracks and gripped the kitchen counter to hold myself up. “Good news,” I thought as I awaited her next words. “What good news could she possibly have for us?”

“It seems as though your follicles have woken up,” she said as my jaw fell open. “Your follicle count has tripled since we tested you 2 years ago.”

“How is this even possible,” I muttered through the hand that covered my mouth in disbelief with tears of joy beginning to stream down my face.

“Sometimes, this can happen after treatment,” I could hear her smiling as she replied through the phone. “And it has happened for you, Nicole.”

I could hardly believe it. This could really happen for us. We could be parents someday. I cried in Wes’ arms when he got home, this time with hopeful tears, and we decided that we are going to try to have a baby.

Wes and Nicole kissing in the water on the beach

The next few weeks consisted of appointments with my Oncologist and care team, OBGYN, and a Maternal-Fetal Medicine (MFM) Specialist (otherwise referred to as a “High-Risk Pregnancy” doctor).

Even with the potential risks and obstacles we may face to become pregnant, every single provider gave us the thumbs up and clearance to try. And each one smiled with excitement for us to enter into this next chapter.

Oh, the possibilities.

This news is so beautiful, yet incredibly fragile. You may be wondering why we decided to share such a personal and intimate part of our life so publicly. And here is why:

1. We believe in the power of prayer {James 5:16}. For those of you who have walked this journey with us from the beginning or have come alongside us recently, we know that we can count on you to pray. We want you to walk closely with us. We need your prayers. Our heart is to fully trust God with whatever the outcome may be.

2. Life is about journeying with God and others. It’s exciting and nerve-racking. It’s finding bravery amidst uncertainty. It’s challenging and, also, quite beautiful. Through it all, we want to lean into Jesus and walk with you. If a baby girl or baby boy is part of that, we will dedicate our lives to raising a child with abounding faith in God and unconditional love for others. There will be times that we need your encouragement in grief, your smiles and cheers, your shoulder to cry on, or a prayer to uplift us.

3. I want a steadfast heart through this journey. I have 2 very conflicting thoughts in my mind: I want to break down these walls of self-preservation that I built to protect me from getting my heart broken. In letting my walls down though, I don’t want to grip on to motherhood too tightly because it may not be God’s plan for my life. I’ve convinced myself for years now that I wasn’t meant to be a mother to “protect myself” from pain if the answer is “no.” I want a steadfast soul, aligned with the very heart of God that is open, honest, surrendered, and trusting.

One day, if we have a baby girl or baby boy, I want to show him/her this post. So he/she can read that mommy and daddy were brave and were never going to give up. That it’s normal to get scared, but a reminder to never lose hope. That part of growing is facing our fears, which often involves seeking the wisdom of others, getting uncomfortable in exposing our hearts, asking for help/prayers, and taking risks for something wonderful beyond our wildest imagination. 

That one day, he/she could read all of the prayers that came in for him/her. That he/she can see that we had leaned into the Lord for His provision and timing, even when we were nervous and unsure. That even in our brokenness that we fought for him/her and would never cease to love in big ways until our last breaths.

Maybe, just maybe, we could be parents that he/she would be proud of.

However, if this isn’t in God’s plan, Wes and I will always be able to look back at this post for different reasons: It will serve as a reminder that God, friends, and family fought alongside us. That through love, community, and togetherness, the ground we stand upon is solid. That even through cancer, infertility, scars, and heartbreak, that God is still on the throne and He is good. That He is guiding our every step and we can and always will trust Him. That this life will be beautiful no matter what path we travel on.

I don’t know what the next part of this series will be. We have walked many journeys with friends, cancer survivors, and family members that have adopted, experienced miraculous pregnancies, grieved miscarriages, battled with infertility, or continue to try to get pregnant and haven’t yet. We forever walk in the tension of celebration and sorrow with you and love you with our whole hearts. We feel privileged that you have allowed us to journey with you and we would be honored if you came alongside us in a future of many unknowns, too. We were never meant to do this alone, and I thank God each day that we don’t have to.

Nicole and Wes on their wedding day where Wes is hugging her and they are laughing
Photo by Sarah Christine Photography

By no mistake is this being posted on our 6 year wedding anniversary.

To my love: Happy Anniversary, Wes. Thank you for 6 exciting, exceptional, unforgettable, and beautiful years of marriage. Whatever comes next, I’m so thankful that I get to do life with you. I love you.

To be continued…

Wes walking me in the woods at the Della Terra Mountain Chateau
Photo by Sarah Christine Photography

God bless you!

Sparkle on,
Nicole Body

Today I am asking for something a little out of the ordinary than what I usually do in a blog post. I would like to ask for your prayers in this journey to parenthood for Wes and me. If you can post prayers here in the comments for us to look back on, it would mean the world to us. If you’d like to share your experience with fertility, we would be honored to hear and would like to pray for you as well! Thank you as always! We love you!

16 comments

  1. This post made my heart so full of happiness for you and Wes! Congratulations on 6 years of marriage- it seems like the other day when I got to witness you two making your vows and what a beautiful day that was! Wishing you all the best as you continue your journey and begin to try to have a baby. Love you so much!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much Kirsten!! It really does seem like yesterday that we said our vows at Della Terra! Goodness, that was a beautiful day! I am forever grateful that you were there to be part of it! We love you so much and are grateful for your love and prayers!!

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  2. So beautiful! Happy anniversary! As a fellow UPS patient, I can feel your emotions here. It’s so scary to jump into trying, knowing that there is a possibility of heartbreak. But you sharing this, invites so much prayer and positive energy from others, and you are capable of achieving miracles! Sending love and fertility vibes your way!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Rachel, Thank you so much! I really appreciate your love and “fertility vibes” – that definitely made me smile! It means a lot to us! It is scary to take the leap, but just like battling cancer (as you know as well), our futures are worth fighting for!! Praying for you in your journey and would love to connect further about how you’re doing and how I can be praying for and encouraging you during this time!! God bless you!!!

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  3. This made my eyes fill with tears of joy! So much love from one cancer survivor to another and married couple who survived cancer to another. Wishing you the many blessings and happiness that you guys deserve! Praying for you both and the future of your new journey and sending all the positive vibes!! 💕💕

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for feeling so deeply with us in our journey and for your prayers for the future ahead!! It seems we have many commonalities in survivorship and I pray that your survivorship and marriage journey has been filled with joy, hope, and love for your present and the days ahead! May God bless you tremendously in every way!!!

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  4. Heavenly Father, Oh how you are aware of the longing a parent has for a child. I can imagine how wonderfully lucky a child could be to have Nicole and Wes for parents, but you know so much more how true that is. I pray for their encouragement and I pray that it is your will, God, to give them this desire of their mutual hearts. And may each of their days be blessed with growing closer and closer to you, whatever your will, God. I pray these things in Jesus’ name, Amen.

    Liked by 1 person

    • THANK YOU FOR THIS PRAYER! Wow, this is so beautiful. I am grateful to look at it today and to continue to look back at it as a reminder of your uplifting to the Lord on our behalf. You are such a blessing. We love you and miss you!

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  5. Goosebumps reading this! Long fertility story to share another time. Praying for you!

    Holy Father, may you strengthen Nicole and Wes and continue to bolster their hope, for in you, all things are possible. May your perfect plan fill their hearts completely and may your glory be shown through their witness.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Colleen! I would love nothing more than to connect to hear about your journey! Thank you for this beautiful prayer. And we echo that prayer to not lean on our own understanding but on the perfect plan of God to bring Him glory!! You are so wise and wonderful. I am grateful to know you!!! Thank you so much and let’s catch up very soon!

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  6. Happy Anniversary! Joining with you in prayer. May our loving and merciful Savior, Jesus Christ bless you and give you the desires of your heart. Much love my dear friends.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for the congratulations on 6 years of marriage and for your prayers! This means the world to Wes and me! I appreciate your prayers as I need the Lord and friends and family around me to help break down walls of self-preservation to trust in our faithful God with this! You are so wonderful.

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  7. Lord surround Wes and Nicole on this new journey. I pray for peace and wisdom through it all. That their focus remains on you, the creator of life.

    Excited for you guys! I’ll continue to pray. You would make amazing parents.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andrea, Thank you for this purposeful and meaningful prayer. I echo the desire to receive God’s peace and wisdom through it all keeping our eyes fixed on him. I love how you referred to God as “The Creator of Life.” Wow, yes and amen! Such a beautiful picture of our God! I am forever grateful! Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement!! We love y’all!

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  8. Okay now that the tears have dried.. You guys will make the best parents! God has given you both such amazing gifts that a child will be so blessed to receive. You’re so brave and amazing for sharing this. I will be praying for you guys everyday. I just know God is going to make this a part of your journey. Love you so much!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Randi, You are the absolute sweetest friend. I am so grateful for your love and encouragement. I appreciate your prayers more than I can ever express in writing. Thank you so much. I love you with all my heart!

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